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"Far too Young to Die"Written By: Miss Murdered Disclaimer: I don't own the GW characters - am just borrowing to torment for my amusement Rating: NC 17 Warnings: implied m/m sexual relations, death
fic that isn't a death fic (bear with me peeps) mission related violence
and gore, angst, language, eventual sap Pairings: 1x2x1 Summary: Four times Duo saw Heero die. Four times he bled in his arms. And four times Duo tried to stop it. But after living the day of his nightmares, over and over again, can Duo find a way to stop it and save Heero Yuy? A/N: Please suspend belief for this scenario…
I am not going to explain "why" Duo is repeating his day
– let's just say karma's kicking his ass for all that mass murdering,
okay?! Inspired by the song Far too Young to Die by Panic! At the
Disco.
"Far too Young to Die "
Chapter Four Don't Let Me Do This This was the point I was gonna totally give up. When I woke up this time, there was no damn point as I was gonna through the motions of this mission and not even feel anything as this time, fuck this time, I was done, you know? I could tell you the shit I saw, that I saw Heero, that I kissed him, that I ground my hips into his and touched him one last time but I felt... nothing as I was aware, too damn aware, that I was going to watch an endless cycle of seeing him die. And fuck if this time I was gonna invest myself in saving him after the crushing disappointment of yesterday. Or today. So this time, I didn't try as I was gonna see it whatever. And maybe that wasn't me - eternal optimist and all but I didn't have shit left. There had been times in my life where this had happened before. When I'd been broken after holding Solo in my arms, hiding from the world, dirty and unwashed for however long until I picked myself up, shook myself off and survived, and moved on. And then I did the same after the Church, yeah, I was fucked for a while but I moved on, survived, tried to get over that event and I did, I guess. But shit, this time I walked through the operation like a zombie. I didn't say nothing to anyone, barely watched as I walked through the same darkened houses, walked past the guy on the floor, not bothering to see the blood or the dust underneath my feet and when I saw her... I didn't stop so I saw Ethan blasted away by the spray of bullets and I took my route, my path and I didn't take care, I didn't give a shit, as I knew I wasn't the one who was going to die as that would be a fucking relief. Instead, it would always be Heero, and I could walk through this village and not give a fuck. As I was invincible in this scenario. Heero wasn't. And I walked around with that lack of care, finding myself meeting with Heero and acting like enough of a douche to convince him that something was not all there with me. The moment he asked me whether I was "okay" was the moment I was sure I wasn't as Heero wasn't exactly Mr. Interpersonal Skills and it made me growl my orders, tell him I was taking point even though he looked puzzled at my behaviour, his brows knitted together as we spoke. Once we were out of the damn building and walking through the market square, I guessed that it didn't matter what route we took. We take one way the kid blows up and Heero dies. And the other way he gets shot. Or he gets a fucking building falling on him. So what was the damn point? But I still led us towards the Southern point of the village as that was the one way we had not gone and so I expected the damn worst as we walked. It was deserted, we walked over corpses and hell, I even saw Ethan. I glanced up a few times, seeing where the men had been stationed and I expected one to there on the roof, ready to shoot our asses and it didn't damn happen. I got hopeful for a moment, maybe the whole blasé cocky-ass attitude was what was going to save Heero. Maybe when I tried too damn hard it wasn't going to happen for me. So I let hope surface as I thought, maybe, maybe I would get tonight with him, have incredible sex, sleep wrapped in his arms and wake up and rain kisses all over his face. And this would be over - whatever karmic power was kicking my ass, whatever mental breakdown I was currently having would be over and I could go back to my life. I'd quit this shitty Prev job that I'd probably get kicked out of anyway, persuade 'Ro to join me, set up some kinda business... or we'd just use our leftover war funds and bum around. As we deserved that, we didn't deserve years of toiling away in an organisation full of our enemies who hated our damn guts. And I'd persuade Heero to do that with my amazing skills of articulation and maybe blowing him and giving him the best damn head he'd ever had. I was too damn optimistic, so damn optimistic that as we walked further, I was a little blindsided as I thought we were safe this time - there were no enemies, no sound of explosives and then I was turning and looking the wrong way, raising my weapon as I saw movement. I thought I saw enemies and my instincts were in gear so quick as I thought, no, I had not got this far with Heero for it to end with him dead again as fuck, I was not doing that. I was about to let out a burst of fire when I heard the explosion, the explosion from the kid I guessed and while we were a lot further away, the blast rocked the ground and I fell, and it took me a second to figure shit out. As then... then I looked up, sand in my mouth, my bangs in my eyes and the Jeep was speeding towards me, the sound from the explosion having knocked out some of my damn hearing and I was seeing my own life end. And this was better, I thought, as the Jeep was speeding towards me, as I moved to kneel, as I attempted to get out of the damn way, it was better for me to die and for Heero to survive as he was so much damn better than I could ever be. He was a better soldier. A better man and a better person than I would ever be so fuck, I wanted him to live as it would stop this nightmare and he would move on as I was just some convenient fuck. I convinced myself in all of a few seconds that my death was better, that my life meant nothing comparatively to Heero's and that this was the best outcome to this fucked up situation when I was knocked out of the way of the speeding car, knocked with some force I didn't understand at first and then I was realising it, in the aftermath, that it had been Heero who'd knocked me outta the way and that he had been hit, too damn hard, and that the truck had sped up and he was on the floor, and he was bleeding and I screamed, just goddamn screamed, looking up at a clear sky and a blazing sun as I couldn't do this again. I think he heard my scream, my anguish as shit, when I crawled over to him and heard him tell me to stop, saying my name through bloody lips and telling me I was sorry, it was with a soft voice and his eyes shining with an emotion I couldn't even identify. This time, as he spat blood through foamy lips, I knew the bleeding was probably internal and I got out my knife, unsheathing it and I didn't know what I was going to do as my medical experience was pretty damn rudimentary and I could do nothing with internal bleeding. "Stop, Duo," he whispered and he coughed up blood, a wracking sound from his chest and I wiped away it from his lips, and I could change nothing, all I could do was watch him again. "I should've been better..." he said and I shook my head, my movement jerky and fierce, my braid whipping around my body and no, he shouldn't have been better - I should've been better. As I got complacent this time, I thought I'd done what I damn well needed to do and he'd survive and I'd got hopeful. I'd got cocky. As when things were good for me, I always got overconfident and they got fucked. "No, Heero," I whispered. He didn't know my thoughts and like shit did he know I'd done this all before, seen him die before so all he was thinking was he'd failed and that was so damn far from the truth I wanted to shake him. That it was me - this was all me and he had no fault. But that was Heero, he thought he had to be the best, the strongest, the fastest and he didn't realise it was his fault for loving an asshole like me that got him killed. This was all me and I choked back a noise that sounded like a fucking sob as he died in my arms. As his chest stopped moving, as I leaned over his face to feel his breathing had stopped and I was holding him, comforting him or myself but all I could do this time was shut down. Totally. 100%. So I said nothing when I was picked up, when Heero was taken away for autopsy or to live in a nice refrigerated morgue drawer - whatever they did this time and I made the call - made the call to Quatre, told him that Heero was dead in the flattest, most emotionless voice I could. I'd forgotten to do it since the first time but I felt so damn... numb, I could manage the call, manage Quat's voice and his big blue eyes looking at me like I was damn broken. I probably looked like that - still covered in his damn blood and sand and the residue of explosives. "Duo... do you need us?" "No," I said coldly, "tell the Princess, you know?" And I hung up, unable to deal with the fourth time he died as I walked to the shower block, stripping out of my clothes, and showering in lukewarm water until it became completely cold and I didn't even feel it this time as I felt nothing at all. Nothing. I finished showering, dressed in some clean clothes and went to his room, not giving a shit if anyone found me, if anyone saw me go into it as I collapsed onto his bed, smelling his scent on the pillows, the smell of our last sexual encounter on the damn scratchy sheets. I found one of his t-shirts that he'd worn, grabbed it and breathed in his scent, smelling him and I grabbed for my bottle. I'd stopped by my own room before I snuck into his, finding my item of contraband, the bottle of cheap vodka stashed there. I got cheap as I never knew if the shit was gonna be confiscated and I didn't want something decent taken away but I hadn't been checked and it slipped by, so I broke the seal, and laid on his bed, taking a deep long swig and feeling the burn of cheap alcohol. The moment the alcohol went down my throat, I coughed, tasting the liquor and I wiped my hand across my mouth. I didn't need sedatives this time, as all I'd do was drink this damn bottle and fall asleep in his bed and I dreamed about him as I wanted to - how good his mouth felt on my lips, on my body, how his eyes were so fucking deep and blue and how his hands were so damn firm and strong, able to hold me as we screwed hard and fast. I didn't think of his body, I didn't think of his bloody lips, of the foam coming from his mouth, of his apology for not being good enough as I couldn't fucking think of that so instead, I took deep glugs of vodka, letting it burn it's trail into my stomach and I got drunk damn quick. As I'd refused food, refused every damn thing as I continued to drink, and the drunker I got the more I talked to myself, my voice rambling and I tried to reason this whole damn situation to some invisible deity. Or just the four walls. The drunker I got the less shit made sense. And then I realised I was talking to Heero. I was saying damn everything to him. And he was dead. "And each time I see you dead... I realise I'm fucking in love with you... and shit..." My rambling continued as I took another big fucking glug of vodka, the cheap booze no longer tasting like shit the more drunk I got as it just tasted like nothing. I was realising I was getting tired, or just getting close to passing out as my speech became damn slurred. "Tomorrow it ain't gonna happen," I said, talking to an image of Heero and the four blank walls, "tomorrow I'm gonna save your ass." I dropped the bottle to the floor and I could hear it roll as the alcohol spilled onto the floor and I turned over onto my damn front, burying my face into the pillow - the pillow that smelt of him, gunpowder and sandalwood some fucking spice and I murmured, my words completely slurred. "'Cause I love you, asshole." And shit, as I fell asleep this night, it was the one time I was damn grateful of this crazy shit as when I woke up in my own bunk, I should have been completely hung over and I wasn't. I felt fine, normal and this time, I was determined that this time it was not going to happen. I had no plan. No idea but I was gonna save him. And it had to work this time otherwise I'd blow my own brains out. It all happened the damn same, the line up for breakfast, the same grey eggs, the same bacon that tasted of shit and the same porridge that clagged to the roof of my mouth. I snuck away with Heero, had our illicit kiss and this time, I didn't make it desperate or needy, instead I just let it be, put my emotions into it and only gave him a little damn smile when I parted from him. Leaned my forehead against his, felt the heat of his skin and I wanted to say then... say then that it meant more to me than the quick fucks I'd convinced myself of but instead, all I did was say something dumb. "I'll be in your room tonight, fuck Deckard." He only smirked and then it was all happening and I was in the back of the truck with my team, looking at the faces around me rather than at the roof or at my boots and this time I saw Ethan, looked at him and yeah, he was a douche but he didn't deserve to die so I figured, shit, I'd give him the heads up whether or not he wanted it. As Ethan was maybe a bit older than me and I didn't know whether he had someone damn special but he was someone's son or something and shit while that concept was foreign to me, I did not want to see him die. So when we stopped, when we jumped out, when I secured my braid down the back of my jacket and before I put the bandana around my mouth, I grabbed for Ethan's arm, dragging him a little to the side. He was about to say something shitty and sarcastic but I got him cornered, pushing him against the side of vehicle and I put my hand over his mouth, hard, a little violent and I guess I lived up to my reputation - the scary reputation us former Gundam pilots had as I spoke low, soft. "Listen to me, you are gonna get shot and don't ask me how the fuck I know but I damn well know. You think there's something about us Gundam pilot being damn weird so just believe me. When you exit one of the houses, just look up, asshole," I said bitterly, "just look up." I let him go, removed my hand from his mouth and I then put my bandana over my mouth, my goggles over my eyes and I was ready to fight, ready to go over the path I'd already gone through but this was the last. The last time I promised myself. When we searched the building, I saw him, the dead guy and this time I knelt down beside him, saw him clutching something in his hand and I removed it from his stiff fingers, seeing the crumpled photograph of his family and I didn't know whether I was meant to see it or something and every time I'd just ignored it. As I looked at it, ran my thumb over it and I bowed my head, said some prayer or last rites under my breath to the air - something I didn't damn believe in but then I dropped that picture on his chest and stood up, following my path. The little girl, the little girl I looked at her one more time, covered her frail body and prayed for her or something. Prayed that it hadn't been as damn painful as I feared for her. That she hadn't died afraid. But I guess it did no good as I walked away, ready for the next thing. As when I reached the doorway, Ethan wasn't a corpse, he was firing up and the men on the roof were being picked off by my team, more prepared for the damn ambush and I smirked as I past him, gave him a wink as I did, and I made my way to Heero. There were four main routes away from the location where I'd meet Heero and all of them had ended with his death. I'd tried different ones only for it to end the same way. So this time, I decided to do nothing different but I'd learn from one of the events. I'd learn from the first one, I'd stop Heero from getting too close, or I'd stop the damn kid or something and I had the plan in my head. "I'll take point," I told him and he agreed without protest and I guess that was a damn good thing. As this time, both of us were getting out of here alive. It was a replay of the first day and knowing that the kid was gonna be there did create a lump in my throat as I had to wonder whether I could do what I needed to do - which was shoot the kid before he could detonate the explosives and I'm sure I couldn't - even though I rationalised it, even though I knew that the kid ended up dead anyway as that was harsh... cruel and everything I'd done today so far was about making things better, right and I was not gonna kill a kid. When we got to that point, when my mouth went dry, when I saw the little boy come out in front of me I damn near faltered, didn't act or react, just watched him. He was probably about six, so damn young, so not ready for what was about to happen and I stalled again, wasn't damn quick enough again and all I could do was warn him, my shout of "down" heeded as we both hit the deck, before the blast ripped over us, around us, blowing sand and dust around us. I looked up once it was over, crawled over to him, my heart beating too damn fast as I did. As surely, fuck it, this time he had to survive? I was nearer to the blast zone and he should be damn okay and I saw him move, I saw him look up to check my status and I guess I wanted to cheer instead of let out that damn of anguish scream that I did last time. As this time, as I crawled to him, he was kneeling, shaking his head to remove debris from his hair but no blood. No injuries and I was close to him, mouthing whether he was okay when I guess I realised that I was in pain. Okay, this was new and then Heero was hovering above me, and I was in his lap. And I glanced down to see... to see my combat gear stained red and I put my hand to my stomach, feeling the wet warmth of my own blood. Heero's eyes were intense and I felt him putting pressure on my wound and I guess I felt the word slip from my mouth. "Stop..." As he always said it but this time... this time I had no control over saying it as I guessed... this was me. Time up and all. "Heero," I said, "I'm so fucking sorry." I didn't hear his words as I was kinda floating or some shit and I wondered what it felt like to him as he watched me die - whether it ripped him apart, whether it was the damn worst thing in the world but I had once chance after all the shit to say this and I needed him to know - even if it made it damn worse. "Heero... I love you." And that, ladies and gentleman, was what I thought was my last words and I was good with that after the torment of the last few repeated days as while my life had been one big fuck up of pain and suffering and fighting - for one small part of it I was happy and in love with Heero Yuy. And it made all the shit worth it. |
